The problem with other people
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this post has a point, so bear with me. I need to set the scene before sharing a perspective on relationships that completely changed my life, decreased suffering, and allowed me to evolve. It might read a little heavy, but it’s necessary, and it’s not written for sympathy, dear reader, or for any kind of personal catharsis. Take your finger away from the “heart hugging” emoji. Stop it.
I had lunch with someone very close to me the other day. It was hard. After years of absorbing his narcissistic, gaslighting, emotionally volatile behaviour - and then years of trying to undo the toxicity in my own life - I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I ended up tearing him a new one and telling him what an arsehole he is.
A year before, I’d told him to leave an intimate gathering after he managed to upset every single person at the table. He went off, had a heart attack, and didn’t tell anyone until months later when he emailed us about it.
And here I was having a go at him.
Had I undone decades of trying to maintain a relationship with him? Had I failed to be compassionate? In the constriction of being triggered by his arseholery, had I just forgotten that he’s a soul doing his work, exactly where he needs to be in his incarnation? So much for all the spiritual work, eh?
What changed my perspective on all of this was a teaching from Ram Dass, where he explained that our role in this life is to hold a vantage point from both the heart and the personality (or ego structure, if you prefer).
The heart is boundless, unconditional, open, and pure compassion. It operates at the level of the soul, outside the small mind’s definitions, and doesn’t see the world in terms of "good" and "bad", "nice" and "arsehole". It seeks to include, to nurture, to accept everything because it knows (it is) the innate perfection of the universe.
At the level of the personality, though, no one can truly resolve, and be okay with, intensely traumatic, triggering stuff. If your child were killed in an accident, no amount of spiritual practice would make that feel fine at the personality level.
[I should point out that I'm not negating the incredible work that has been done to help those with severe trauma. This article is making a different point and taking another angle which does not exclude trauma therapies.]
From a spiritual perspective we’re not here to fix it all at the level of the mind.
Despite my best efforts to be equanimous while this person did his narcissistic thing, despite my wish to resolve his suffering and my own, there is not a version of reality where personality-level Jeion feels absolutely fine about it. That’s not the game.
And here lies the nuance of spiritual work in relation to what we’re talking about today. It’s the journey to the heart that brings relief from suffering. It’s the vantage point that lets everything be, that sees the horribly glorious unfolding of the universe, and calls it the great perfection.
It’s fierce work.
But inside that fierceness, there’s freedom.
Because it means we can finally cut ourselves some slack.
Heart level: I love this man. I wouldn’t be the man I am without what came before. It’s the beautiful playing out of frequency, the universe coming to know itself. I know myself and this person are the same universe, just playing different parts at different stages of the game. (this understanding is what people mean by forgiveness).
Personality level: I don’t like this person.
And I don’t need to, to be free.
What a bloody relief. What. A. Relief.
Sammy and I are running a workshop next week called Come Home to Love. We'll be diving deep into the messy, beautiful terrain of relationships, and we’ll give each person a glimpse of the wisdom held in their Akashic Record. A clearer path to the heart-level vantage point. Freedom, ease, and expansion in this part of life.
If this feels exciting to you, send me DM and I’ll send you the details. Would love to have you with us for a very special evening.
From my heart and my head,
Jeion
